Charles | The Other Side Of De

Dealing with the Funeral

Charles King Bereavement Counsellor for the Rowland Brothers Foundation, part of Rowland Brothers Funeral Directors, of Croydon.

'It is a truth universally acknowledged ... ' writes Jane Austen in the famous opening sentence of her novel 'Pride and Prejudice'. Famous it may be, but the words which follow, about men, marriage and money, really express only her personal belief, not a universal truth. However, there is a truth which is universally acknowledged: 'everyone must die some time'. It's undeniable. No exceptions.

But not all deaths are the same. One important difference is how much notice is given to those who will mourn the death. For some, the passing of their loved one will happen out of the blue. No advance warning at all. For others, doctors may be able to predict the timing weeks, months even years ahead, and share that news with the close family, and sometimes too with the patient.

Which death is easier to cope with? In my experience as a bereavement counsellor working for a funeral director whose 12 branches arrange 1,500 funerals a year, neither is easier than the other. Those who are given advance warning simply begin their grieving earlier, as soon as they hear the diagnosis and prognosis.

In this article I have been asked to write specifically for the benefit of people planning and organising the funeral of someone close to them who will pass away, or has just passed away, after living with dementia for a long or short period of time.

Sometimes funerals have to be arranged swiftly, for family or religious or cultural reasons, but preparations for most funerals need not be rushed too quickly.

Sometimes the loved one will have already given thought to their own funeral and left instructions and wishes in their will or in conversations with their family.

In these circumstances the person organising the funeral will have an easier task. And so will the funeral director (the person who used to be called the undertaker, a word used less frequently these days).

A good funeral arranger is worth his or her weight in gold. They are experts. They know the answers to all the questions the family will want to ask, and provide them gently, sympathetically and with professional skill.

So, for the family member or friend who takes on the task of organising the funeral the first thing to do is establish whether or not the one who has died (I'm trying to avoid cold, clinical words like 'the deceased') left written and signed notes of his or her wishes. If he or she did not do this it will be a good idea for the family to talk to each other about what sort of funeral the person would have wished.

At this point, the family might do well to ask themselves the question, 'For whose benefit is the funeral taking place?' Is the most important thing doing what the person who died wanted, or would have wanted if asked? Or is the prime purpose for the funeral to provide comfort for the mourners?

It's not always easy making this judgement. Suppose the person had written in his or her will, or told the family in advance, 'Don't go wasting money on expensive coffins, or flowers or fancy limousines.' Should this be respected? Or do the family and friends want to show their love and respect for that person by providing all the trimmings - a horse drawn carriage to carry the coffin, doves to be released at the graveside, a bountiful buffet at a hotel after the ceremony. It's an important question. Hopefully everyone will be in agreement with what is decided.

Legally, there are almost no rules about funerals, no do's and don'ts. If you wish you can have what is known as a direct funeral whereby the funeral company will take the person, in a coffin, to the crematorium without any mourners being present. No funeral service. The person will be cremated without any ceremony, hymns, prayers, Scripture readings or traditional words of committal. But everything will be done with dignity.

Later the funeral director will collect the cremated remains (popularly called the ashes) and deliver them to the next of kin, or arrange for them to be scattered in the crematorium gardens.

Again, there are almost no rules about what happens to the cremated remains. They can be scattered or buried almost anywhere - woods, rivers (but not close to where water will be drawn by water companies), or even at a football ground or golf club. If it is private land, permission should be sought from the owner but public land simply requires the scattering to be sympathetically undertaken with due regard to members of the public who might be passing by. Royal Parks, however, are a no go area.

Similarly, the cremated remains can be scattered at sea from a boat, though not too close to the shore. Nowadays a spoonful of 'ashes' can be turned into jewellery, or placed inside a firework and sent into the sky. And of course the ashes can be stored in an urn or box and kept at someone's home for as long as desired.

Almost the first decision to be taken is: burial or cremation? Again, the person's own wishes, if known, should surely be the deciding factor. Burial provides a place to which the family or friends can return from time to time to feel close to the person whom they have lost. But the grave will need to be tended periodically, which can be problematic if no one lives locally.

Cremations are significantly less expensive than burials due to the high cost of buying a grave in an area where land - even just a six foot plot - is of great value. For example, graves in parts of Wales or Scotland might cost £1,000, but in London or nearby, the grave alone might cost £7,000 or even more.

The decision, cremation or burial, needs to be taken quite quickly as it affects the necessary paperwork. For example, a burial requires one doctor's signature, a cremation requires two. In cases where the person had not been seen by a doctor recently the death must be reported to the local coroner who might require a post mortem or even an inquest before the cremation or burial can take place. In cases where the passing took place in hospital or at home while the person was receiving medical treatment, a post mortem or inquest is rarely needed.

Another question which requires an early answer is, will the person be viewed by mourners in the funeral director's chapel of rest prior to the funeral? If the answer is yes, then embalming will probably be necessary. Embalming is not wrapping the person up like an Egyptian mummy. It is replacing the person's bodily fluids with a liquid preservative, usually formaldehyde.

Should mourners view the person after death? It's entirely a personal decision. Some people who decide not to view, later regret that decision. Equally, some who decide to view also regret it later. The funeral director's advice in this respect can be valuable.

How about the funeral service which might take place prior to the committal? These days they are becoming rarer. If the person who has passed away, or his family, are people of faith, there will almost certainly be a service either in a church or in the crematorium chapel or at the graveside. If the person was a churchgoer this service, and the concluding committal, will usually be conducted by the church's minister, vicar or priest. If not, the funeral director will know a local minister who will happily step in.

If the person was not a believer, a non religious service can be arranged with a humanist celebrant presiding.

The funeral company will help if necessary with having an Order of Service printed, but home computers and printers can nowadays provide an excellent alternative at almost no cost. Flowers, or charitable donations? Again, a personal choice. What would the person himself or herself prefer? Sometimes a single floral arrangement on the coffin suffices, but people in some cultures take pride in numerous wreaths and flower bunches. Neither is right or wrong.

Finally, if the person who passed away had no children, did not own the family home and had modest savings, it might not be necessary to appoint an executor to gather together all the money held in bank accounts or insurance policies and distribute it according to the will. Otherwise an executor will be needed, and the will might nominate someone for this. Alternatively, the family can appoint a solicitor or accountant to carry out this role and obtain probate. That can be expensive but it may well be money well spent. The fees can be charged to the estate of the one who died.

Sadly, dementia can take away memories and cause a loss of thinking and communication skills, so conversations about such things as funerals need to take place earlier rather than later. But not at the cost of disturbing or distressing the person. Be wise, be gentle, be loving, always.