When the Carer Feels Alone, Even Though Their Loved One Is Still There

 

Caring for someone with dementia can be one of the deepest acts of love.

It can also be one of the loneliest.

 

Many carers say they feel as if they are living alone, even though their husband, wife, partner, parent or friend is still physically there in the same home. This feeling is far more common than people realise – and it deserves to be talked about.

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How Dementia Changes the Relationship

 

Dementia slowly affects memory, personality, communication and emotions. Over time, this can mean:

 

• Conversations are no longer shared in the same way

• Decisions rest on the carer’s shoulders

• Emotional support becomes one-sided

• Shared hobbies and routines fade

• The person may not remember important events or even who you are

• The carer becomes the “keeper” of the couple or family’s history

 

The person with dementia is still there – but the mutual relationship begins to change.

It is very possible to love someone deeply, and still feel very alone.

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Living Loss and Anticipatory Grief

 

Many carers describe this as:

 

“Losing them a little at a time.”

“Being alone together.”

“Grieving for someone who is still alive.”

 

These feelings are sometimes called living loss or anticipatory grief.

 

They are not a sign of failure or disloyalty.

They are a natural human response to a slow, painful change.

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The Emotional Load on a Carer

 

As dementia progresses, the carer often becomes:

 

• The main decision-maker

• The organiser of all appointments and support

• The person who keeps calm when things are difficult

• The one who manages money, the house, and the future

• The person who loses time for friends, interests and rest

 

On top of this, they may lose:

 

• Shared conversation and humour

• Physical closeness or affection

• The feeling of being understood

• The sense of being “a couple” or “a team”

 

No wonder many carers feel like they are living alone.

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Why It’s Important to Acknowledge This

 

Carers often hide these feelings because they:

 

• Worry about being judged

• Feel guilty for feeling lonely

• Think they should “just cope”

 

But naming these feelings:

 

• Reduces guilt and self-criticism

• Helps carers recognise they have their own needs

• Makes it easier to ask for help

• Can prevent burnout, anxiety and depression

 

It is not selfish to say, “I feel alone.”

It is honest – and honesty is the first step towards support.

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What Can Help When You Feel You’re Living Alone

 

 

1. Talk to Other Carers

 

Carer support groups (in person or online) can be a lifeline.

Hearing “me too” is powerful.

 

 

2. Accept That Grief Can Begin Before Death

 

You can be grieving long before a funeral.

Knowing this is normal often brings relief.

 

 

3. Use Respite and Short Breaks

 

Day centres, sitting services, and respite stays are not indulgences – they are essential for your wellbeing.

 

 

4. Share the Load

 

Home-care visits, dementia day services, volunteers and family help can reduce the emotional and practical weight you carry.

 

 

5. Stay Connected to Your Own Life

 

Even one regular activity that is “yours” – a walk, a group, a hobby – helps you remember you are more than a carer.

 

 

6. Consider Counselling or Carer-Focused Therapy

 

Talking to someone who understands dementia-related grief can make a profound difference.

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The Person With Dementia Is Still There – But Differently

 

Dementia changes how someone responds, but moments of connection can still appear:

 

• A smile or a squeeze of the hand

• A shared song

• A brief flash of recognition

• A familiar phrase or joke

 

These moments matter. They are real and precious.

But they don’t magically remove the loneliness – and it’s okay to admit that.

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A Kind Word to Carers

 

Feeling like you are living alone while caring for someone with dementia does not mean:

 

• You love them any less

• You wish them gone

• You are ungrateful for the time you still have

 

It means you are human.

 

You are loving someone through one of life’s hardest journeys, while quietly losing parts of the relationship you once shared. That is a heavy burden.

 

You are allowed to feel sad, lonely, tired and conflicted – and you are allowed to ask for help.

 

You are not failing.

You are carrying more than anyone should have to carry on their own.